HACKED OFF !Sun 10 Jul 2011 at 18:16
After 168 years and 8674 editions The News of the World closed today. This is a clear example of damage limitation and I’m sure that it’s not the only newspaper to have been involved in hacking. Two questions. Who should investigate the investigative journalists? Is this the beginning of the end for the red tops? What's really needed is a judicial inquiry set up by the government to find the culprits. This would also acquit the uncorrupt of Wapping who've all been besmirched with the same brush.
I now think that celebrities and us mere mortals of the public should join forces to launch our own tabloid that seeks out the skeletons in the closets of the tabloid press. We could call it The News of the Worm that Turned. I can just see David Beckham camping out on a journos lawn for days or Hugh Grant rummaging through an editors dustbin!
Goodbye News of the World. The end of an error.
Ed, Barack, David and Cheryl Sat 28 May 2011 at 20:29
What’s been happening this week on this wild weird and wacky planet we call Earth?
Labour leader Ed Miliband got married to long term partner Justine on Friday at a low key ceremony in Nottinghamshire. It seems that the reason he didn't have a best man was because as hard as he looked in his party he couldn't find one.
Barack Obama and his entourage were ‘in town’. During his state visit to Britain he had talks in Downing Street, became the first American President to address both Houses of Parliament at the Palace of Westminster and hosted a dinner in honour of the Queen. He even found time for table tennis when he teamed up with David Cameron to play against some pupils at a school in South London. Apparently when the PM asked Mister President if he was ready for ping-pong, Barack thought he was referring to the Chinese ambassador.
Cheryl Cole was remarkably sacked this week from US X Factor because producers were concerned that her accent was too strong. Surely they must have known about her Geordie patois before handing her the gig? Cheryl will still receive her full fee of £1.2 million despite only working on the show for just four days. I’d say that her glass of Newcastle brown ale is categorically more than half full. When asked how she felt about being fired Cheryl said “Why eye man I’m allreet really leek. Don’t worry bowt me pet cos I’m oot on the tawn toneet leek wit lasses for a reet neet oot!”
...And finally as someone who is enthralled by quantum physics I was taken aback to discover that two of the world’s most eminent thinkers have put forward a theory that the whole of the universe is a holographic projection. In other words everything in reality according to these physicists is a hologram. That explains a lot about the cast of The Only Way Is Essex.
Get Me To The AbbeyFri 29 Apr 2011 at 19:59
Until today the title of Duchess probably conjured an image of a crusty old fossil in a fancy hat with more wrinkles than Keith Richards in a box of prunes. Today that was all swept away as Prince William married the captivating Kate Middleton. They will now be known as The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Clearly Prince and Princess Charming are more befitting appellations?
Witnessed by two billion people in over one hundred countries a little piece of history was made in London. To be candid I was moved. Watching Elton John singing hymns was surreal. I kept expecting him to break into a chorus of Crocodile Rock or The Bitch Is Back! It was also weird towards the end when all and sundry sung God Save The Queen, except of course, the Queen herself. Do you think that she ever feels tempted to join in?
As I sat back on the sofa in t-shirt and shorts, witnessing the proceedings in HD with surround sound I felt as if I was actually there in Westminster Abbey. And by comparison to all the attending dignitaries in their finest finery I felt ragged. At least my domination of the tv remote and shabby attire has given me an affinity with a different kind of Royal. Jim Royle.
Go Fly A MicrolightSun 24 Apr 2011 at 14:28
The other evening I enjoyed a very pleasant saunter along a local secluded beach here in West Sussex. The tide was half in, a gentle breeze nuzzled my beefcake and I felt far from the madding crowd. Quickly my reverie was broken by the buzzing sound of a microlight pilot at least a thousand feet above my head. Resembling a full stop at the end of a sentence he must have been higher than Dylan from The Magic Roundabout. This exotic and dicey way of travel must give you a very different perspective of the world. As he flew over the sea, land and rooftops this wacky pilot must have felt like a cross between Richard Branson and Mary Poppins. As I contemplated his bravado I wondered how this guy would return to home turf? Would he just turn around and land where he started? Did he have a friend following in a car? The romantic iniside of me would like to believe that these daredevil free spirited voyagers just bank off of the North East wind and descend to where they feel. This being the case, how do they get back home again? Perhaps the 700 from Portsmouth? That’s not very James Bond is it!
A Londoner In SussexSat 19 Feb 2011 at 19:27
I’ve been lucky enough to have seen a few corners of this crazy little planet we call Earth. From the Blue Mountains and rain forests of Australia to the coastal views of California and one or two places in between and beyond. I’ve concluded that I live in one of the best parts of the world. The South Coast is the sunniest region in the UK and the area between The Rivers Arun and Adur is a microclimate. I’ve actually seen a line of clouds approaching from the north being held back by the Downs. It’s as if a giant bouncer in the sky is protecting us by not letting any uninvited guests into the party.The picturesque South Downs and coast that stretch before us provide the perfect backdrop. The cold snap in early December last year magically transformed the Downs into the Alps. And like something from a George Lucas film, witnessing snow on the beach was odd, eerie and mesmerizing all at the same time. I’m originally from ‘dat dare London’ and the contrast between here and there is stark. It’s almost like another country. When I first emigrated here three years ago I was surprised to learn that most shops close at five thirty. For someone who’s used to the option of some late night retail therapy this takes some adjusting. Also, on average people go to bed earlier. In some areas I’m convinced that the traffic lights are switched off by ten o’clock. In London they just nick ‘em! Every time I take a sojourn back I feel as though I should produce my passport instead of my saver return at Victoria. For one thing the Big Smoke appears to be the land of eternal youth. Whenever I return to the capital it’s hard to spot anyone over the age of twenty-five. I always like to play a little game when I’m on the tube called Who Is The Oldest on the Carriage? To be honest it’s getting boring because most of the time it’s me. People start to fidget in Starbucks at Canary Wharf if their latte isn’t served up within a minute. And the concept of the queue is like something from a parallel universe. Back in West Sussex it’s a more laid-back affair. Most people are courteous on the roads and you don’t feel like you’re in an episode of The Wacky Races. A game I like to play in Rustington is Who Will Be The First To Move At The Mini Roundabout? It’s the ultimate guessing game and politeness to the nth degree. Have you ever tried driving around the West End? Even Button, Bullitt and Hamilton would think twice!
Outside It's Narnia Fri 03 Dec 2010 at 18:40
Chimney pots like ice cream cones as white as white can be,
the hollybush like a red oasis in an everlasting frosted sea,
A defiant plant defies the snow and shrugs away the flakes,
a desperate wren darts around the dwelling in search of food and grace,
The array of glass floats upon the fence look frothy and frozen in time,
a pure white land of untouched gleam that carried me to this rhyme.